Egypt fights Blood, Darkness, and Sickness movement

GOSHEN, Egypt—The government of Egypt has been fighting the Blood, Darkness, and Sickness movement, or BDS, which it claims threatens to destroy Egypt and bolster global anti-Egyptian sentiment.

“There is only one kingdom in the world where people can worship the sun god Ra and idols of stone without fear of persecution, and that is Egypt,” Pharaoh Ramses II declared in a recent press conference. “We’ve built irrigation systems, treasure cities, and marvelous pyramids. The Hebrew slaves are out to destroy our high-tech nation with plagues, and the peasants in the encampments in New World college campuses just don't get it.”

The BDS movement was started earlier this year by Moses and his brother Aaron. The movement calls on the Holy One to unleash plagues upon Egypt until the Pharaoh withdraws taskmasters from Hebrew neighborhoods, frees the children of Israel from slavery, and grants them a right of return to their promised land in Canaan.

“Egyptian elites dismiss our movement as terrorism,” Aaron, spokesperson of the BDS movement, explained, “but that’s incomplete. Their prosperity is built on Hebrew labor. We will mourn the suffering of innocent Egyptians. That said, we’ve been under the whip for centuries, and more of us get killed in the mud pits every year than the Egyptians will ever lose by plague.”

“We Hebrews are not oppressed!” chief Hebrew overseer Dathan stated in a recent press conference. “Egypt feeds us. There’s no food out there in the desert. And they suffer from the plagues, too! BDS isn’t really about some ‘Hebrew liberation,’ as if we need it, but it’s really about demolishing our civilization. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment to acquire a house slave, who will be so grateful to, uh… live in material comfort with me.”

BDS movement official Miriam, sister of Moses and Aaron, has told our reporters, “Liberation is a struggle, but slavery is worse. The Almighty will provide for us. In return, we promise to follow God’s commandments and never oppress people. I guarantee we’ll never supplant other peoples’ self-determination where we’re going.”

Pharaoh Ramses II finds the BDS movement baffling. “Moses, the self-hating Egyptian, was raised in the palace, and I’ll never understand why he’s out there committing terrorism and threatening the legitimacy of my sovereignty with treasonous speeches. Why are so many Egyptians telling me to let those people go?” he asked rhetorically in his press conference. “The subhuman Hebrews are a demographic threat! We loyal Egyptians know that if we don’t keep the Hebrews in check with forced labor under the sword of our taskmasters, those barbaric Hebrews will rise against us in war. We cannot let them have their own kingdom. ‘Hebrew liberation’ will be the downfall of Egypt.”

We asked Moses to respond to Ramses’ critiques, to which he said, “For the Holy One’s sake: The BDS movement is not about you! Why, only hundreds of years ago, our ancestors lived peacefully side-by-side, and we can have that again. But under bondage, we can only be treated as second-class citizens so much without resisting.”

Recent supernatural plagues have included fire-yielding hail, locusts, and three days of darkness, the last of which killed thirty Egyptians who fell down the stairs. The next phase of the BDS movement is currently unknown, but Egyptian astrologers have indicated it’s “pretty fucking scary.”

Jewish college students subjected to dangerous levels of nuance

NEW YORK, NY—According to recent data released by the Anti-Defamation League, the climate on American college campuses for Jewish students is becoming unbearable since the wake of the October 7 terrorist attacks, as these students are exposed to toxic amounts of nuanced, detailed information about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Whereas prior to October 7, 15.6% of Jewish college students reported having a thorough understanding of Israel, surveys show that the proportion of Jewish students fathoming complex analyses of the land’s history has skyrocketed to 15.8%.

ADL CEO Jonathan Greenblatt is troubled by the presence of multiple people’s narratives on college campuses, explaining, “In order for Jewish students to remain safe on campus, it is imperative that campus policies protect their worldview from scrutiny. Lately, too many Jewish students are hearing anti-Semitic slurs like, ‘Green Line’ and ‘internally displaced persons.’ They should be kept safe from anti-Israel groups trying to harass them with information like the death toll of the current war in Gaza.”

Jewish student leaders have been experiencing this firsthand. According to Harvard Hillel President Amy Tov, “It’s been really exhausting lately. Before, all we’d have to say is, ‘Israel has a right to defend itself,’ but now we have to go out of our way to explain why indiscriminate bombing in the Gaza Strip, dehumanizing security checkpoints in the West Bank, and a little genocide waged here and there against Palestinians are actually good things. All this nuance is making me sound like an asshole, and I hate it.”

In a disturbing phenomenon that researchers are calling, “internalized reality,” some Jewish students have been so deeply affected by this wave of informational incidents that they’ve been adopting some of the poisonous nuance themselves. NYU student Hadasah Binah told the Jewish Logarithm, “It’s been hard, but lately I just can’t stop thinking about how some Palestinians have committed terrorist acts and taken hostages that are still in Gaza but also all of them are people and maybe Israel has been maintaining control over Palestinian lands and lives with discriminatory laws and land alienation—” We can’t remember what else she said because we got vertigo.



Hillel International has long enforced policies on permissible speech about Israel at campus Hillel events, which state that partners and speakers cannot, for example, “deny the right of Israel to pretend hummus isn’t an Arab dish” or “promote hostile attitudes toward Taylor Swift’s music.” However, since people who are not Jewish lately are talking about Israel—which, you know, what gives those fuckers the right?—the Standards of Partnership have not proven to be enough. Hillel International President and CEO Adam Lehman explained what Hillel is doing now to help protect Jewish students from having to develop any more neurons in the parts of their brains that store information about Israel. “We’ve been working with universities to establish policies and guidelines to promote civil yet uncritical dialogue about Israel. Our main bit of advice is that sentences about Israel should center on adjectives, not verbs. A great example would be, ‘Israel good; Hamas bad’—or, better yet, ‘Us good; them bad.’ We know there is an urgent threat because we’re even hearing Jews utter sentences like, ‘Eighty-six destroyed Palestinian villages are now the sites of forests planted by the Jewish National Fund.’ Sentences with three verbs like that one are not acceptable.”

Greenblatt of the ADL stresses that Jewish students should feel empowered to greet nuance with a firm, “Shut up.” He cites, for example, “So the other day some self-hating Jew asked me, ‘Hey, Jonathan, is it possible that some of the antisemitic incidents you’re compiling are actual antisemitic incidents, while another huge chunk are just plain old criticisms of Israel?’, and I told that bitch to sheket b’vakasha.”

Jewish community outraged over proliferation of “Wawa has pizza” campaign

 

Black chalk found on the Cynwyd Heritage Trail declares, in no uncertain terms, "Wawa has pizza."

BALA CYNWYD—Messages declaring, “Wawa has pizza” have lately been plastered all over southeastern Pennsylvania. The proliferating and unavoidable yet true messages have been appearing graffitied onto billboards, store windows, and even in chalk on the Cynwyd Heritage Trail, which members of several Facebook groups including the Lower Merion Jewish Community and Lower Merion Community Network are calling, “disgusting,” and “horrifyingly anti-Semitic.”

The messages, which are designed to be deeply discomforting and disturbing to those who have loved and supported Wawa for decades, have been taking a toll on American Jews of all ages, from Holocaust survivors to pro-Wawa Jewish college students. According to Temple University junior Yoni Menutak, “To hear that ‘Wawa has pizza’ from the Susquehanna River to the Jersey Shore… Jewish students here just cannot bear it.”

Others have been reacting to the “Wawa has pizza” movement with outright denial. According to Main Line mother Tzarat Ofkim, “Of course, Wawa has a right to sell whichever monstrosity it wants to in order to serve its interests. But to suggest that Wawa has pizza? That’s ridiculous. There is no pizza at Wawa. Those who would suggest it are anti-Wawa fanatics. Any Jew who suggests it is not a real Jew.” Naturally, Hebrew schools in the area have for decades been teaching positive facts and messages about Wawa, like that it’s a modern company and the only safe place for a Jew to receive a ham-and-cheese sandwich.

To understand the Jewish community’s response to the “Wawa has pizza” movement, we consulted Linke Mentsch, Ph.D., noted Jewish Studies Professor at Swarthmore College. They explained to us, “The Jewish community in the Philadelphia region has for decades built its identity around affinity with and support for the Wawa brand. Suggestions that it might be doing something so anathema to human rights as to sell pizza can really generate a strong counter-reaction, even though the allegations are one hundred percent true.” We asked Dr. Mentsch about the response from major Jewish institutions. They explained, “The Jewish Federation of Greater Philadelphia has been raising funds to raise public awareness to counter the narrative and even send money to support Wawa, in exchange for hoagies. It’s a real all-hands-on-deck situation.”

Our investigative reporters have uncovered that some of the messages written on billboards stating, “Wawa has pizza” may have been made by some Wawa employees themselves. When reached for comment in response to these findings, the Jewish Federation of Greater Philadelphia told the Jewish Logarithm, “Even if they are made by Jews or even Wawa employees, statements like, ‘Wawa has pizza’ meet the US State Department definition of anti-Semitism, which includes, ‘demonizing, delegitimizing, or applying a double standard to Wawa.’”

Meanwhile, the Wawa corporation has not been denying claims of selling pizza but to the contrary have been bragging about it. CEO Chris Gheysens said at a recent press conference, “We at Wawa will do anything in our power to make sure mom-and-pop pizza shops never proliferate in this region ever again, even if it means they experience a Nakba unlike anything they have experienced before.”

Oh, Crap, We Have No Idea What Day of the Omer It Is

Every day is Shabbat, but you can't go to shul.

Today is... um... some day of some month in the year 2020. It’s still 2020, right? G-d damn it. And I guess it’s still 5780, I think. I napped like twelve times in the last I don’t know how many hours, so maybe—no, because I’ve also spent some number of sleepless nights pondering my mortality. So today is the (INSERT ORDINAL NUMBER HERE) day of the Omer, the annual counting of the forty-nine days between Passover and Shavuot. That day is... fuck, Passover was recent, right? I don’t know, man. The days are all blending together in this hellscape. Lag Ba’Omer, the thirty-third day of the Omer, often a day of celebration, is... Hashem-only-knows number of days away. Look, why do you want to know? You gonna get your hair cut or something? WHAT MOTHERFUCKING BARBER DO YOU KNOW IS OPEN RIGHT NOW? Anyway, shavua tov!

Before Yom Kippur, I just want to say I’m sorry you got offended

Thanks for sitting down with me, Rhonda. As I’ve mentioned to you, I am Jewish, and these are the ten Days of Atonement in which I am obligated to apologize for my sins and transgressions of the past year. So with that said, I’ve said some things in the past year, and I just want to say that I’m sorry you got offended.

For example, you seemed visibly discomforted when I said I didn’t like the way Chinese people smelled. I mean, I don’t know why you were upset about that since you aren’t Chinese, but whatever. Also, there was that time I was complaining about small titties, and you got all pissy.

So I want to clear the air, get a good mention in the Book of Life, and extend my apologies for you getting upset at my comments. I’d like to say, before you and the Lord Almighty, that I’m sorry you got pissed off. I mean, I meant everything I said, but I apologize sincerely for the way you took those comments, and I hope you don’t get offended by my comments in 5778.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go apologize to my wife for being caught cheating on her.

"Sour cream" added to Birkat HaMazon

NEW YORK, NY—The Union for Reform Judaism and the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism have jointly released a new version of Birkat HaMazon, the brachot given after meals, that include the words “sour cream (שָׂאוּעֵר כּרִים),” in an effort to appeal to younger generations of Jews. The revised portion now reads as follows:

Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu melech ha-olam, hazan et ha-olam kulo b’tuvo b’chen b’chesed b’rachamim. Sour cream.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה׳ אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֺלָם, הַזָּן אֶת־הָעוֺלָם כֻּלּוֺ בְּטוּבוֺ בְּחֵן בְּחֶסֶד וּבְרַחֲמׅים. שָׂאוּעֵר כּרׅים.

This approximately translates to the following: “Praised are you, Adonai our God, ruler of the universe, graciously sustaining the whole world with kindness and compassion. Sour cream.”

The Reform and Conservative Jewish movements explained in a statement released with this new version, “I guess sour cream is a food, even though it’s rather specific, but whatever.”

Future versions of Siddur Sim Shalom will also include the phrase “oh baby (בֵּבִּי אוֺ)” in the “emet” prayer and the words “doodoo doodoo (דֻדֻ־דֻדֻ)” in “Adon Olam.”

The Orthodox Union has rejected these new versions on the grounds that utterance thereof will lead to “mixed dancing.”

Bar mitzvah reception lacks plastic hats, fails miserably

Photo by Erica Hummel, used with permission

PAOLI, PA—Recent bar mitzvah Jacob Greengold, 13, suffered humiliation last Saturday when his five-hour reception at the Waynesborough Country Club concluded at midnight without the MC once handing out silly plastic fedoras.

“We did everything we could to maximize fun and carbon footprint for our guests,” mother Dana Baumstein-Greengold, 41, told Jewish Logarithm. “We had the photo station where countless plastic picture frames were handed out. We offered our guests the finest two meat options for dinner. We even shelled out for articles of clothing with our son’s initials for every guest!”

“And it still wasn’t enough!” sobbed father Jonathan Greengold, 44.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” reports Jacob. “I had a great time. I drank, like, three Shirley Temples, two ginger ales, and a Sprite.”

Responsibility for handing out the decorative thin plastic fedoras at b’nei mitzvah receptions usually falls on the DJ or entertainment company, which for Jacob was A# Sharp Production (pronounced “A Sharp Production,” not “A Sharp Sharp Production” or “A hashtag Sharp Production”).

“We regret that the lack of stupid plastic caps was an oversight on our part,” reported Adam from A#. “We usually spare no gawdy, pointless, and/or petroleum-consuming extravagance at the events we manage. Even at Jacob’s bar mitzvah party, we remembered to bring the Mardi Gras beads, the carcinogenic blacklight, the sexy women performing heteronormative dances on each side of Jacob, the colorful hot paraffin wax for children to dip their fists into, and the absurdly loud and blaring music.”

“Fuck yeah, they had the loud music,” confirmed Great-Bubbe Miriam. “I just wish they brought the hats. They had the plastic hats at my bat mitzvah in the shtetl in the old country. How can you celebrate a bar mitzvah without plastic fedoras that you throw away at the end of the night or leave lying around your house for three years?! It’s a shanda!”

Jacob’s parents assured extended family members and family friends that there would be no such embarrassment with their younger child Lily, 11, at her bat mitzvah reception in a couple of years. According to Jonathan, “We will be sure that Lily has everything she needs for her special day, including but not limited to an expensive dress that she will only have to wear once and, of course, dumbass disposable hats.”