Egypt fights Blood, Darkness, and Sickness movement

GOSHEN, Egypt—The government of Egypt has been fighting the Blood, Darkness, and Sickness movement, or BDS, which it claims threatens to destroy Egypt and bolster global anti-Egyptian sentiment.

“There is only one kingdom in the world where people can worship the sun god Ra and idols of stone without fear of persecution, and that is Egypt,” Pharaoh Ramses II declared in a recent press conference. “We’ve built irrigation systems, treasure cities, and marvelous pyramids. The Hebrew slaves are out to destroy our high-tech nation with plagues, and the peasants in the encampments in New World college campuses just don't get it.”

The BDS movement was started earlier this year by Moses and his brother Aaron. The movement calls on the Holy One to unleash plagues upon Egypt until the Pharaoh withdraws taskmasters from Hebrew neighborhoods, frees the children of Israel from slavery, and grants them a right of return to their promised land in Canaan.

“Egyptian elites dismiss our movement as terrorism,” Aaron, spokesperson of the BDS movement, explained, “but that’s incomplete. Their prosperity is built on Hebrew labor. We will mourn the suffering of innocent Egyptians. That said, we’ve been under the whip for centuries, and more of us get killed in the mud pits every year than the Egyptians will ever lose by plague.”

“We Hebrews are not oppressed!” chief Hebrew overseer Dathan stated in a recent press conference. “Egypt feeds us. There’s no food out there in the desert. And they suffer from the plagues, too! BDS isn’t really about some ‘Hebrew liberation,’ as if we need it, but it’s really about demolishing our civilization. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment to acquire a house slave, who will be so grateful to, uh… live in material comfort with me.”

BDS movement official Miriam, sister of Moses and Aaron, has told our reporters, “Liberation is a struggle, but slavery is worse. The Almighty will provide for us. In return, we promise to follow God’s commandments and never oppress people. I guarantee we’ll never supplant other peoples’ self-determination where we’re going.”

Pharaoh Ramses II finds the BDS movement baffling. “Moses, the self-hating Egyptian, was raised in the palace, and I’ll never understand why he’s out there committing terrorism and threatening the legitimacy of my sovereignty with treasonous speeches. Why are so many Egyptians telling me to let those people go?” he asked rhetorically in his press conference. “The subhuman Hebrews are a demographic threat! We loyal Egyptians know that if we don’t keep the Hebrews in check with forced labor under the sword of our taskmasters, those barbaric Hebrews will rise against us in war. We cannot let them have their own kingdom. ‘Hebrew liberation’ will be the downfall of Egypt.”

We asked Moses to respond to Ramses’ critiques, to which he said, “For the Holy One’s sake: The BDS movement is not about you! Why, only hundreds of years ago, our ancestors lived peacefully side-by-side, and we can have that again. But under bondage, we can only be treated as second-class citizens so much without resisting.”

Recent supernatural plagues have included fire-yielding hail, locusts, and three days of darkness, the last of which killed thirty Egyptians who fell down the stairs. The next phase of the BDS movement is currently unknown, but Egyptian astrologers have indicated it’s “pretty fucking scary.”