Bar mitzvah reception lacks plastic hats, fails miserably

Photo by Erica Hummel, used with permission

PAOLI, PA—Recent bar mitzvah Jacob Greengold, 13, suffered humiliation last Saturday when his five-hour reception at the Waynesborough Country Club concluded at midnight without the MC once handing out silly plastic fedoras.

“We did everything we could to maximize fun and carbon footprint for our guests,” mother Dana Baumstein-Greengold, 41, told Jewish Logarithm. “We had the photo station where countless plastic picture frames were handed out. We offered our guests the finest two meat options for dinner. We even shelled out for articles of clothing with our son’s initials for every guest!”

“And it still wasn’t enough!” sobbed father Jonathan Greengold, 44.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” reports Jacob. “I had a great time. I drank, like, three Shirley Temples, two ginger ales, and a Sprite.”

Responsibility for handing out the decorative thin plastic fedoras at b’nei mitzvah receptions usually falls on the DJ or entertainment company, which for Jacob was A# Sharp Production (pronounced “A Sharp Production,” not “A Sharp Sharp Production” or “A hashtag Sharp Production”).

“We regret that the lack of stupid plastic caps was an oversight on our part,” reported Adam from A#. “We usually spare no gawdy, pointless, and/or petroleum-consuming extravagance at the events we manage. Even at Jacob’s bar mitzvah party, we remembered to bring the Mardi Gras beads, the carcinogenic blacklight, the sexy women performing heteronormative dances on each side of Jacob, the colorful hot paraffin wax for children to dip their fists into, and the absurdly loud and blaring music.”

“Fuck yeah, they had the loud music,” confirmed Great-Bubbe Miriam. “I just wish they brought the hats. They had the plastic hats at my bat mitzvah in the shtetl in the old country. How can you celebrate a bar mitzvah without plastic fedoras that you throw away at the end of the night or leave lying around your house for three years?! It’s a shanda!”

Jacob’s parents assured extended family members and family friends that there would be no such embarrassment with their younger child Lily, 11, at her bat mitzvah reception in a couple of years. According to Jonathan, “We will be sure that Lily has everything she needs for her special day, including but not limited to an expensive dress that she will only have to wear once and, of course, dumbass disposable hats.”